The Pumpkin King

Hailing from Wichita, Kansas where he was obsessed with BTK and Tim Burton. After getting caught naked, wearing a pumpkin mask of course, sleeping next to Dennis Rader’s wife, he served over one year in a maximum security prison. He maintained his innocence while incarcerated. When he left prison a mysterious man, who insisted he be called Grandpa, was waiting to take him to Zenith Farm, where he has lived for the past 8 years. His current occupation is trying to take over the world one dirty joke at a time, and picking his belly button lint and letting it collect in a jar, along with a collection of q-tips used when his belly button secretes a strange clear, yet smelly liquid. He also plays guitar and sings for Zenith Farm.

Grandpa

Rumored to be an ex-Jonestown member who got away with the secret gold of Jim Jones after stealing it from Harrison Ford, in that short period in the early 80’s when Harrison Ford actually was Indiana Jones, and bringing it to the middle of nowhere Kansas where he started a gerbil milking operation. Soon he adopted several young men and thoroughly brainwashed them with acid and psychological torture, or what he likes to call the old battery on the testicles game. He is a confirmed drunk, druggy, bestiality performer of the year in 1989, and a licensed travel agent. He started the band almost 5 years ago after a country band on tour broke down on the farm. He killed the piano, steel guitar, and bass players, plus the drummer, but he kept two men alive. Their names are Phillip Mutuscy and Robert Dustin Segal, aka the Real Phil and Sid Masters. Due to his mismanagement of funds and constant appetite for Lemon Pledge, he huffs it, the band has been unsuccessful in its attempts at any semblance of mediocrity.

Sid Masters

After being rainwashed by Grandpa, something happened and Sid Masters has yet to utter a word since. All we know is there was a dead llama and two pairs of latex gloves when we woke up; we ignored the desperate cries for help from Sid, because the rest of us thought he was a cock ass. The little we do know about his former band, Porky’s (the band from the movie Porky’s), is that he played lead guitar and was known for peeing his pants on stage and then throwing them to some lucky lady after he was done. Wikipedia says he kept the underwear on and then auctioned it off on Ebay after every show; the proceeds went to a charity promoting stem cell research. As a mute he contributes very little to the band, but we don’t have to pay income taxes because there is a tax write off for employing the disabled. Sid is currently on working on a method for writing music into braille, even though he can still see.

The Real Phil

Starting his career under the stage name Phil Collins he later left Genesis and started a solo career that he had to run away from. He joined a country band, Porky’s (the band from the movie Porky’s), and that’s when fate intervened, and by fate I mean and old man planting a spike strip on the highway at two in the morning and then kidnapping and murdering several musicians. Phil accepted his role in Zenith Farm at first but has since rebelled against the rule of Grandpa. He now resides in the basement, chained, and only brought up when he has a song to sing. He exchanges songs for toilet paper, it’s a slow process, but it works for us.

Bunny

was born to a rich family in Hartford, Connecticut. At the age of 18 he took off in his 2004 Cadillac and showed up on Zenith Farm two weeks later. Apparently Bunny and Grandpa met on the internet and they became really good friends. Among the band members he is the only one who isn’t constantly drugged and manipulated by Grandpa. Bunny is allowed to do his own thing and dance his ass off, with the occasional hand job for the local grocer so that we can eat, we all really like Bunny for feeding us.